I saw this shirt a couple of weeks before my surgery. I thought about getting it, but figured it probably wouldn't get here in time to wear to the surgery. But it would have been the perfect sentiment for this day!
November 30th
This was the day of my bilateral mastectomy. My surgery wasn't scheduled until 5:00pm with a check in time of 3:30pm, so I had the whole day to basically sit around and wait. That was a bit of torture, but for whatever reason I was strangely calm most of the day. I am sure it was from all the thoughts and prayers from friends and family.
It was a pretty mundane morning. It was payday so I got up and paid bills, got the girls ready, and had them start school. (They have online school this week.)
Around noon I decided to take a shower, shave my legs, and get ready for the day.
Before getting in the shower, I got undressed and basically just sat and stared at myself in the mirror. I realized that this was the last time I was going to see myself in this body. I stared at my chest. I looked at it differently than all the other times I had in the previous years. I didn't look at it and immediately pick out my imperfections like I have in the past. Instead, I looked and felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I'm not sure what prompted it, maybe it's because it was Thanksgiving and the season of thanks, or because I had just completed a 7 day #givethanks challenge on my social media, but I was overcome with the need to thank my breasts.
I ran my hands over them and thanked them for dumb things like developing early. Yes-- I was one of those girls who was obsessed with when I would get boobs like my older sisters had and I remembered my delight when I first noticed that they were growing!
I thanked them for helping to give my body shape over the years. With having children and gaining and losing weight over and over, sometimes that was the only part of my body I wasn't ashamed of. No matter what my body looked like, they were the one constant that never seemed to change.
Most of all, I thanked them for being the place for me to cuddle each of my babies, and being the soft place to fall during all the hugs of care and comfort to my family over the last 17 years.
I then looked in my eyes. In that moment, the woman staring back at me was the only one who truly knew what I was going through. It was like I was having a silent conversation with myself. I was saying "Are we really doing this?!" to the woman in the mirror. She was looking back saying, "Yeah, we have to."
I showered and got ready for the day and made sure my bag was packed. About an hour before I was to leave, I sat down in my favorite place in the house, the place where the sun beams in through my back door. The location changes from summer to winter, but it is always there, gliding across my floor and inviting me in. My family teases me that my spirit animal is a cat because I love finding a sunbeam on the carpet and sitting or laying in it. I love to just sit and feel the warm sun on my face or lay on my stomach and feel the warmth on my back.
I sat in the sunbeam and concentrated on my breathing. Slowly breathing. Pulling air in from the bottom of my toes all the way up my body and filling my lungs. I would slowly breathe out pushing all the air back down and out of my body. I focused on the light that was touching my face. It seamed to be growing brighter with each passing minute. I felt centered and ready to face what I had ahead of me. When I got done and ready to head to the hospital I caught Kaden taking a picture of me on his phone. I said, "What are you doing?" He smiled and said, "I just wanted to capture your moment of zen."
On the way to the hospital we talked about how this was the weirdest thing ever. I am heading into the hospital seemingly "normal" (whatever that is), knowing I would be cut open, amputated, and pieced back together again. The hospital is only 5 minutes from my house, so it was a rather quick trip. When we got there I said, "Wait, I want a picture of this. I want to remember the weirdness of it." So we took a good nice picture and then I said, "Now, let's take a pic of our 'this is CRAZY' faces!"
I checked in with the front desk lady at the surgical department. She sent us over to the main part of the hospital for a chest x-ray. I was super nervous because I knew there was going to be a procedure where they injected dye into my breasts that helped to locate my sentinel node. I had heard that it was quite painful, so that was something I was not looking forward to. I was pleasantly surprised when the x ray tech said, "Nope, I don't do that. They do it over at the surgery center." On one hand I was grateful that I didn't have to do that right out the gate, but then thought it was kind of lame that I couldn't just get it over with and be done with that first thing. Oh well.
We headed back over to the surgical department and they proceeded to check me in.
(This nurse was not my favorite nurse. I will explain why later.)
A couple of weeks ago, my friends went with me on a "pre-quarentine" girls weekend. A couple of us got our toes painted and I was tickled that my paint job lasted me until my surgery!
(It's the little things people.)
I had gone to the bathroom and while I was gone Kaden found out that I didn't have to have the sentinal node dye put in while I was awake. They were going to do this after I had the anesthesia! I was so relieved! One more step down!
Little did I know the worst part was coming. As the anesthesiologist was explaining to me what his role in the surgery was, the nurse (who was not my favorite) was trying to place my IV in my forearm. Now, let's just say, I have had a lot of pokes and sticks in my life. I have had plenty of IV's placed so I knew how they feel. They are not my favorite thing, but they are not so bad that I fear them or worry about them.
I should have had an inkling that this girl was not as "skilled" at placing an IV when she started fumbling around, but I was trying to concentrate on what the Dr was telling me, so I didn't have time to be my normal "Karen" self and question what she was doing. As the Dr was talking I felt a shooting pain and burn like I had never felt before in my arm. She had totally blown through the vein! She then proceeded to push and prod around. I honestly couldn't even stand it and tears automatically filled my eyes. I was still trying to listen to the doctor and shake my head "yes" and say "um hum" but I was dying! I heard the not so favorite nurse say to the other one, "Should I just keep pushing past this hematoma?" and the other nurse said "uh no.. that will hurt way too bad!" She made the not so favorite nurse pull it out and told her that she would be placing the IV in my hand. I am SO glad the other nurse was there!
After we got my IV placed my plastic surgeon came in to mark me up and answer any questions I had. This is when we noticed that my gown was on backwards! Ha! Kaden said that he watched the surgeon mark with great care and he noticed how straight and precise his lines were. It was comforting that this was not his first rodeo. Unfortunately, he has had to do this surgery too many times. Fortunately, he has had lots of practice and I trusted him and his skill. He asked if I had any other questions or concerns. I started to tear up and said, "Just take care of me please." He tried his best to reassure me but really what do you say to someone going through an emotional surgery like this one?
Then we waited. We waited for my cancer surgeon to come in. She was just finishing up another surgery. By this point, we were the only ones in the "pre-op" surgical area since I was the last surgery of the day. This was both calming and eerie. Kaden could see I was getting anxious so he pulled out his headphones and connected me with his Spotify account. He typed in "Dolly Parton" and told me to pick my favorite. We listened to "9 to 5." The beginning always pumps me up and puts me in a happy mood.
Then I changed the song to a song by Kacie Musgraves called "Rainbow." This has been kind of my "theme song" throughout this whole process. It talks about how even when you are in the storm and even when it feels like you are in the same storm that you have always been in, that you can put away your umbrella because there is a rainbow hanging over your head. It has felt like we have been in the cancer storm for a while, but we have witnessed the rain clouds part and we have seen the many rainbows hanging over our heads. Here is a link to the song:
https://youtu.be/Tj4RRliPTpA
Kaden snapped a picture of us listening to it. I love the song, the message, and I love that it ends saying "It'll all be alright..." That's the part that always makes me cry because I know it will!
After this song I said, "Ok I need something that is SUPER lighthearted." I remembered that my friend Sara had sent me an email earlier in the day. The subject said, "Just a little something to make you smile today." I had seen it, but Kaden hadn't so we pulled it up. She basically had done a backyard karaoke to the song "All I Want for Christmas is You" complete with theatrics and props! You should have heard how she hit those high notes at the end! It was seriously the best!
Finally, my cancer surgeon came in. She talked us through the process, had me sign some papers, and said that they would be by shortly to take me to the operating room. Now things were getting real. I was definitely deep in thought at this point. Kaden reassured me that I was almost there. We had waited the whole month and now it was time.
About 5 minutes later my nurse anesthetist and my favorite O.R. nurse came in. This was about 6pm. The nurse said it was time to go, and the anesthetist gave me something in my IV to calm my nerves. The O.R. nurse said, "Now is the time for hugs and kisses... Not with me of course...with him!" and pointed to Kaden. We all laughed, I gave Kaden a hug and a kiss and I was on my way!
Now here is the part where Kaden and I split. I was taken to the O.R. and I was put to sleep pretty quick. One of the last things that I remember is my favorite nurse leaned down gave me a hug and said, "We are going to take good care of you." It was a very comforting last image before I drifted to sleep.
Kaden said that after I turned the corner at the end of the hall, he turned back and took a pic of the empty room. He said right about this point is where he "lost it."
My surgery took a little over 2 hours. The surgeon came and told Kaden that it went quicker than expected and that everything went great. She also said that the lymph nodes came back negative. She told him that the plastic surgeon was just finishing up and they would send me to recovery. The plastic surgeon called Kaden on his cell phone and told him that everything went well for him too and that they would take me straight to my hospital room. Kaden hung around the O.R. so he could walk with me to the room.
I guess my teeth were chattering so they put a bunch of warm blankets up around my head. I very vaguely remember this. I could hear everything, but I wasn't able to open my eyes at this point. I had some pain, but they got it under control pretty quick.
When I woke up and was fully with it, I was not in any pain. My mouth was super dry though. It took the rest of the night drinking water and apple juice to get my saliva back!
The rest of the night was pretty uneventful. I was awake talking with Kaden until about 12:30am. I talked his ear off! I finally fell asleep for about an hour and woke up completely awake. I wasn't in any pain, and I didn't want to wake Kaden up, so I just surfed around on my phone. About 1:45am a friend sent me a FB message and asked how I was doing. (She had a bilateral mastectomy about 11 days ago so she knew what I was going through.) It was perfect timing for her to text! We were both awake, recovering from our respective surgeries, and exchanged stories and things that we have learned through our journeys.
I finally had to wake Kaden up at 4am so he could help me use the bathroom. Everything was going great until I was washing my hands. I reached for a paper towel and had a sharp stabbing pain in my rib. It hurt so bad I almost fell. Kaden steadied me and helped me to the bed. The nurse came in and gave me some pain killers then Kaden and I fell asleep until about 8am. (Isn't Kaden cute in his pink blanket? Ha!)
The morning after surgery, Kaden and I ate some breakfast and I was feeling pretty good! I was ready to go home. After the surgeons came and did their rounds we were all set to go!
Overall, the entire process took 23 hours. I checked in at 3:30pm on Monday and checked out at 2:30pm on Tuesday! We went home to amazing friends who brought balloons, signs, soda, dinner, flowers and donuts! So grateful for our support system of family and friends who feel like family!
