As the saying goes...no news is good news right?
I have had a lot of calls and texts lately asking how everything is, how I am feeling, and what the next steps are. I realized that I really haven't updated for a bit because I honestly don't have much to report on. Which I guess in the grand scheme of things is good right??
So I figured I would just post a quick update, but with the disclaimer that it probably won't be incredibly interesting. :)
Physically
Physically I am feeling ok. I would say I am back to about 80% "normal." I have been able to do most of my daily activities with little modifications here and there. I still have these 2 very annoying expanders under my skin, and I don't think I will feel 100% like myself until they are removed.
One thing that stinks is that I haven't been able to go on my daily walks since my surgery. I usually walk about 5 miles a day. The walks are my zen. It is the thing that fills my cup emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I LOVE the outdoors and fresh air. A couple of reasons I haven't been able to go is obviously the recovery part. The first 2 weeks I didn't feel like doing any real physical activity. Then the next couple of weeks was Christmas time. Honestly, that's not really a good excuse, but I just didn't want to go. It seems like the holidays derail me every year. Not sure why, but it does. Then the weather has been hit or miss so that has been a challenge as well.
I went on a walk last week with my friend and only made it about a mile and it took 20 minutes to do that! That was super frustrating because I usually walk about a 15 minute mile pace. So not only could I not go the usual distance, I was also incredibly slow. I didn't realize how quickly I would lose my stamina after my surgery. That was a bit of a blow to my ego and my spirit, realizing that I had to build back up again and basically start from zero. I was, however, able to use my elliptical machine this week and do a 30 minute session on it. So that was a good sign. Now I just need to get the motivation to do it regularly again.
I am not sure that I have talked about this much, but after a mastectomy you lose quite a bit of range of motion. It is difficult to lift your arms above your head and circling your shoulders is difficult as well.
This doesn't sound too bad, and for the most part it isn't, but it makes getting things down out of cupboards, clothes off hangers from the high bar, and putting clothes on over my head more difficult. You also lose strength in your arms and pectoral muscles. I never realized how much I use my pectoral muscles. From opening large heavy doors at the store, bank, or doctors office to scooping ice cream, opening jars, lifting packages off my porch and everything else in between! We really use them a lot! I try to do things on my own, but find myself asking my kids and Kaden for help often.
My range of motion is coming back and I have been able to wear some clothing that a month ago I couldn't. This is a baby step I announce to my family each and every time I can get into a different shirt. I always come and say, "I just need to announce that I am able to get myself into this shirt now!" and who ever is around, Kaden or my kids, I make them clap for me and give me a little "whoo hoo!" cheer. (Really I do!)
I have been given some physical therapy exercises to do, but I have been resisting them. It sounds easy and simple enough to do, but it hurts and sometimes makes me feel bad. It's a reminder to me that I am not "normal" yet and I honestly don't like facing that reality sometimes. So hopefully, I will get over myself at some point and start those exercises regularly.
I am also going to my plastic surgeon every couple of weeks to get my expanders filled. Originally, they filled them with air, but as the weeks went on they kept losing air. So this last appointment they drained the remaining air and then filled them with saline. This seems to be doing the trick! So even though I have had a couple of "fills" I honestly don't feel like we have made a ton of progress in the expansion department. Which was..."deflating." I really felt like someone took the air out of my sails! (Ha Ha! See what I did there? I'm so punny!) All jokes aside, hopefully, now that we have found the solution of using saline, my progress can start moving forward and I can be bigger and better than ever! (Ok, now I am done with the jokes!)
Mentally
Whew. So much can be said on this, I am not sure where to begin. The short answer is that I am doing good. I would say I am good about 85-90% of the time. I get up and get moving everyday and have been able to keep my mind occupied.
There is about 10-15% of the time where I get down and have a bit of a pity party for myself.
Random things will trigger me. For example, my google photos will send me notifications that say "2 years ago this week" and send me a picture. A couple of weeks ago I had this photo pop up on my phone:
This was the last major vacation we took right before Kaden's cancer diagnosis a few months later. I looked at the photo and remembered all the happiness and joy that we had on that trip. As I was looking at our faces, I then thought, "You stupid, stupid, people! You had NO CLUE what was about to hit you." Then I thought about all the time that has gone by following that trip and it made me sad and to be honest, pretty angry! My body ached to go back to that time of health and naivety.
I asked Kaden the other night if I will ever feel "back to my old self again." He said, "Give it time. I would say about a year." But, he added, "You may just have to find a new normal and be ok with that too."
I ran across this quote last week from Elder Neal A. Maxwell (who died of cancer) that said:
"As we confront our own trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we might not shrink. Not shrinking is so much more important than surviving. Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus."
I loved this quote! I don't just have to white knuckle survive this. I can be brave and not shrink. I can partake of the bitter cup without becoming bitter! I am in no way saying that I am like Jesus, but I am thankful that I have such a great example to look to when life gets me down.
So that is where I am at. Feeling like an "almost full human" is what I have right now. I am not 100% myself physically, but I will get there. I am not 100% myself mentally, but I will get there. Just taking it one step at a time and trying to stay as positive as I can.
I saw this picture on facebook the other day and I liked the sentiment:
For the other 85-90% of the time I feel good! I definitely have more good days then bad ones, which I am grateful for. I started my new job a couple of weeks ago and that has been a good distraction. I only work part time so it is a really good balance between my work and family life. Other things that make life good are going on dates with my husband, having lunch with my friends, doing mundane "mom tasks" like carpool and taking kids to appointments, talking and laughing with my kids, and so much more!
Overall Recovery
I saw this picture the other day and it made me laugh. It truly sums up how I feel about recovering.
I sometimes get an image in my head about how my recovery is going to go and the reality of it is that it goes whichever way it wants to. This is definitely a long slow process. I am trying to remind myself that this is a marathon and not a sprint. Reality is going to throw some twists and turns and some crazy loop-de-loops my way, but as long as I keep moving forward I will eventually get to where I want to be!
