I have not been up to much since my last post, however I did have a couple of things to do before my surgery on the 30th. 

November 12

I had my chest MRI today. I was nervous because the person who called to schedule the procedure asked me if I was claustrophobic. I told her "not usually" but then I had flash backs of my younger self playing with my brother where he would put me in a laundry basket and shove it up against a wall to lock me inside. I knew I wasn't in mortal danger, but I remember being terrified that I couldn't get out. So then I changed my answer to "maybe?" 

She scheduled the procedure and let me know that they could prescribe me something if I was anxious or claustrophobic. I informed her that I already had my own "chill pills" (as I lovingly call them)  that I could use if I felt like I needed to relax.  

*As a side note, I get episodic anxiety attacks every now and then with accompanying vertigo. Or maybe it's the vertigo that causes the anxiety?? In any case, it stems back to when I had vestibular neuritis and had some damage to my vestibular nerve in my inner ear. The attacks are pretty infrequent, so my Dr. prescribes me a couple of pills a year to help when I am having an "episode." The pills are such a lifesaver when I need them to help calm me down and stop the vertigo. So I call them my "chill pills." Best. Pill. Ever.* 

Anyway, I usually only take a 1/2 pill when needed, but after having that crazy stereotactic biopsy, I didn't know what to expect. I knew my anxiety was on full tilt so I decided to take the entire pill. The technician brought me back into the room and placed an IV for the contrast to go in. Then she took me into the room with a machine that looked like this:

I proceeded to lay face down on a table with a hole in middle to place my breasts into. 

(What is up with all these tables with breast holes cut out?) 

She placed ear plugs into my ears, pushed the table back into the tube, and left the room. 

(Obviously this is not me, but this is what it looks like inside the machine)

The machine started up with a loud whirr and I could hear muffled clanking and banging. Every now and then I would hear her come on a speaker and say something like "Ok, now we are doing another test." (Or something like that...I honestly couldn't hear her through the ear plugs! Basically, I heard someone talking like the adults do on Charlie Brown cartoons. Ha!) The machine would beep, whirr, and start clanging again and another image would be taken. 

This continued for about 45 minutes and I have to say, this was the easiest most relaxing test I have ever taken! I don't know if I ever fully fell asleep, but I was relaxed and my thoughts were basically dream like. If you have to get an MRI don't be scared. It's easy, painless, and with a little help from your medicine cabinet can be some of the most relaxing 45 minutes you will ever spend! Ha!

November 17 

Today I met with the genetic counselor. Since I am only 41 they are looking at possible genetic reasons for such early onset. One of the things that I had to do before the appointment was fill out a family tree and list everyone in my family who had cancer. I knew my cousin had breast cancer and that my 2 uncles had cancer, (one pancreatic and one testicular), but other than that I didn't really know of anyone else who had it. 

I honestly never really even included my uncles when I was asked about "family history" of cancer because I always assumed they meant just breast cancer. I was wrong. They wanted to know about any and all cancer. I also found out that the BRCA gene mutation (BReast CAncer gene) that they are testing for is tied to ovarian and pancreatic cancer as well. 

I called my parents and started going over the family tree. It was pretty eye opening. We compiled a list of everyone on my mom's side of the family and got a list larger than we thought we would! We knew about cancers here and there, but didn't realize the full extent of it until it was all compiled in one place in black and white. Here is what we came up with on my Mom's side of the family:

(Names have been blocked out for privacy)

My dad said that he didn't have anyone on his side of the family that had cancer, which was surprising because I know that there were a lot of family members who were smokers. I figured we just must have some hearty stock on that side. :) 

However, the day before my appointment, my cousin on my dad's side reached out to me and said that her mom (my dad's sister) was a breast cancer survivor. She had breast cancer once in the early 70's on one side, and then it came back 10 years later on the other side. My dad had no clue! 

It seems like this is something my dad should have known but he has a good excuse. He had 3 older sisters and he was a major "caboose baby." There is a 12 year difference between him and his closest sibling, and 16 year difference between him and the oldest sister. (It would be like if I had a baby boy right now with my 3 girls the ages they are now.) He also lived in the "lower 48" and his sister lived in Alaska. Back then telecommunication wasn't like it is now and for whatever reason it wasn't something they talked about when they did talk. 

I am not sure about other cancers on my dad's side. My dad is 83 years old so a lot of his family isn't around anymore to ask, but I was grateful my cousin reached out. It just goes to show that you need to do your family history and include any health things that you can! You never know when you may need it! 

I talked with the genetic counselor and surprisingly she wasn't as concerned about the history of breast cancer in my family as she was the pancreatic cancer. She said, "Anytime someone has pancreatic cancer in their family, that warrants a genetic test." So if you have that in your family, go get tested! 

She talked about how genetic testing works. If a parent has the gene mutation then the kids have a 50/50 chance of getting that mutation from that parent. Luckily, Kaden has been tested already, and his was negative. So we can rule out the mutation from the paternal side. 

If I test positive for the gene mutation, then my sisters, mom, nieces, cousins, aunts, and/or whoever wants to be tested on that side can be tested by the same company for free if they do it in the 60 day window. (It wasn't that expensive anyway... I want to say somewhere between 50-100 dollars.) 

If I test negative, then there is no chance my kids could have it. (Which is the outcome we are hoping for!)

If I test negative the next step would be that my mom and her sisters should be tested because of their brother's pancreatic cancer. If my mom and aunts don't have it, then there is no reason for nieces, cousins, sisters to be tested. (With the exclusion of my cousins who were my uncles children, they should be tested since their dad cannot be.)  

If my mom and/or her sisters test positive, then their children should be tested for it. Meaning all of their children men and women (all my cousins) since men can get breast cancer too and pancreatic cancer.  If my cousins have it, their kids should be tested. And on and on and on. 

**Just a disclaimer here: Genetic testing is completely a personal choice. There are some who prefer to know in advance so they can do everything and anything to screen for it and do preventative surgeries.

There are also some who prefer not to know and that's ok too. It's scary and overwhelming. Screening is not for everyone. Sometimes people prefer to just let life happen and be cautious and not worry about something that is just a "pre-disposition." I can see both sides. So there is no judgement if people don't want to put themselves through the testing.**

Does all this sound confusing?? Yeah, it was to me as well. 

The genetic counselor sent me this sheet that explains things better. Feel free to look over it and see if it makes sense to you. 

The thing that I liked was right at the beginning where it says: 

"Most cancers are “sporadic” and not related to a particular genetic risk. 

~25% of cancers have a family history, but no specific genetic link. 

~5-10% of cancers will have a genetic risk that increases the chance that cancer would happen."

So it is nice to know that just because it is in my family history, it doesn't necessarily mean that we carry the genetic mutation. 

Testing for the mutation was super easy. She sent me a kit in the mail that looked like this. I basically spit into the tube and mailed it off. I should have results within the next 4-6 weeks! They are running a panel that checks for 47 different mutations. Hoping and praying that everything is negative!  

November 10-30th 

Ever since I found out my surgery is on the 30th, we have basically been in family quarantine. I had to take a covid test on Friday the 27th, so we were doing everything in our power not to get sick. 

Numbers are on the rise in Utah and they are predicting Thanksgiving to be a "super spreader" event. 

I am just hoping to stay healthy and hoping my doctors are healthy so I can have the surgery on Monday. I am also selfishly hoping others are taking precautions and staying healthy so the hospitals are not so full that they do not have a bed for me. 

The only thing worse than waiting to have a cancer surgery, is having to wait basically trapped in your home with only the same 4 walls to look at and nothing to take your mind off things. Don't get me wrong, I have loved being able to spend this time with my family, and I greatly appreciate their sacrifice for me. I know being a shut in for most of November has not been the way they have wanted to spend this holiday break. I just feel like I wish I could go out and do things while I am feeling "normal" and healthy instead of being confined to my house. 

The bright side of having this time is that I have also been able to order, receive, and wrap ALL of my Christmas presents! Stocking stuffers and all! So my family's Christmas is D.O.N.E.!  

We also spent most of the day on Friday the 27th cleaning and preparing the house for when I am recovering. I told Kaden it feels a bit like "nesting" when you are at the end of your pregnancy. I just don't want to worry about things being cleaned since it might be a bit before I get to it again. 

Lest you get the wrong idea and think I am some uber productive person, I also spend time basically trying to numb my thoughts by taking long walks, watching Hallmark Christmas movies, and hours surfing the internet. I also forced Kaden to go on a drive with me Thanksgiving night to go look at Christmas lights. I just needed to be "out."

So yeah, the waiting is basically an exercise in mental stamina. It can be fine one minute and a complete mind game the next. There is an endless supply of rabbit holes you can travel down if you leave your mind to its own devices, but for now I am just trying to get through each day and be grateful for the time I get to spend feeling good and healthy.